I’ll admit it: I’m lonely.
I recently moved into my own apartment that’s over an hour away in all directions from anyone I know. Maybe you’re thinking: an hour? That’s not a “long distance.”
But how many people do you know who are down to drive an hour one way just for an impromptu drink after a long day at work, or down to drive an hour one way just to catch the season two premiere of Stranger Things together, or down to drive an hour one way just to go for a walk so you can take advantage of the sunshine and vent about the shit Becky pulled at work the other day. Can you even believe she did that? Same.
So here I am, alone in what feels like Middle-of-Nowhere, New Hampshire in a situation that has forced me to cast a blinding spotlight on an area of my life I’ve so often taken for granted: friendships.
And I’m realizing that, basically, I suck at maintaining friendships with people who aren’t within a 15-mile radius of me.
And I know I’m not the only one.
When there’s nobody around to grab that drink, catch that show, or go for that walk, the rules and roles of friendships change. What was once organic and convenient becomes challenging and inconsistent.
Long-distance friendships are hard, you guys. It’s no secret that they take some serious thoughtfulness and energy to thrive as something deeper than an acquaintance-level “Hey! How’s everything going?” check-in buddy.
If you’ve got a long-distance, or medium-distance, or even a short-distance friend who you don’t get to see a lot, it’s worth taking a serious look at the things you could be doing to nurture a meaningful relationship with your pal.
Here are 5 simple (and some maybe not-so-simple) steps to staying connected with your long-distance friend:
- Sharing random content. Send your friend a song you’re into and highlight your favorite lyrics. Share a social post that made you think of them. [Tip: make it easier for them to reply with a DM rather than just tagging in the comments.] Find a book to read at the same time.
Each of these is an easy conversation builder, helping you get past the “I’m good, I’m good. And you?” stage to a deeper level with room for your unique personalities to fill the space and remind each other why you became friends in the first place.
Whether you’re keeping it light or want to get serious, this inherently gives you something to connect over and to continue learning about each other, your current interests, anxieties, goals, fears, dreams, you name it.
On the flip side: if your friend sends you something random—a song they’re into, a post that made them think of you, a book recommendation—don’t just like it and move on. Engage! Converse! Connect! - Communicating outside of social media. There’s only so much of yourself you can bring to the online table. Don’t forget to occasionally pick up the phone or fire up a video chat to maintain dynamic communication with your friend.
Talking out loud can make it easier to have the easy-flowing conversations you miss out on when you can’t hang in person frequently, and actually hearing your friend laugh at your joke will beat a “hahaha” text every time. - Keeping the lines open. This one should be obvious, but I’ll say it anyway: establish a regular cadence of communication. The longer you go without talking, the harder it is to stay connected. Duh, right?
In addition to randomly sharing random content, set aside some concrete time to catch up with each other biweekly or monthly (or whenever you want really, I mean, who am I to tell you your schedule?).
No excuses. We’re all busy. If your friend is important to you, show them with your active and reliable attention. - Sticking to your plans. We’re living in a Golden Age of Bailing where it’s frighteningly easy to cancel plans with your friend at the last minute. Once or twice is okay. Let’s face it, sometimes life really does get in the way. But habitual bailing is a friendship faux pas.
If you’ve been prioritizing crashing on the couch over your friend, rethink this even if you know they’ll forgive you. By constantly bailing, you’re sending a message that they aren’t worth your effort or your time. It’s easy math; if your friend doesn’t feel valued and you’re not placing value on your friendship, then the friendship will start to lose its value.
Tough love: this one may not feel as simple when every cell of your body is begging you to bail, but if you’ve made a plan then get your ass there. You and your friend will be happier for it. - Breaking down the walls. Super important to any kind of successful relationship: open and honest communication. You and your friend may not always be riding the same smooth wave.
If you feel like something is missing or like you’re not getting what you need, don’t be afraid to ask for it. And, just as important, create an environment in which your friend knows that they can do the same.
If you’ve been feeling alone or missing a particular friend, pick something from the list above that feels right and do it now. A genuine interaction with someone you care about might be just what you need.